And how it's paved with the best of intentions? Yes, that. But then, we all know I'm a bad blogger, so sue me why don'tcha?
But before you do, let's have a quick look at where things are at.
The studies seem to be going okay. I got the results back for my very first assignment for this year. I did okay, but would have liked to do better. Otherwise, I've managed to meet all the deadlines so far. Being my typical self, I have bitten off waaaaay more than I can comfortably chew *again*.
Sometimes I think it has something to do with the fact that I have an enormous chip on my shoulder because I have never really accomplished anything of value. Sure, I've popped out 4 kids and I guess you could say that in terms of family and love, I really lucked out. You could also say that, like millions of other women out there, I've been irresponsible about contraception and that it really doesn't take much to get knocked up.
But when it comes to having actually worked and struggled and pushed through barriers to reach a set goal, I'm afraid the statistics show that I simply don't have what it takes. And that has got to be the single most awful quality one could possess.
And *that* is the obstacle that I must learn to overcome if I am ever going to stop hating myself deep down. There's nothing worse than a person who bitches and whines about something they don't like but who does nothing to change it. I can't stand being that person anymore.
Which is why getting back into my studies is such a big deal. If I can complete this degree, then there will be at least one thing to show for myself, for all the faith people have put in my supposed potential, for 30-something years' worth of bitching and whining about things that aren't as they should be. And if I can do that, then just maybe I can convince myself to push on through and accomplish the next goal, right?
In the meantime, though, I need to get serious about making a living. This is where things get interesting. I'm being offered an opportunity to develop and run the entire marketing division for a company that manufactures a potentially revolutionary coating product. They've basically asked me to draw up a proposal outlining a broad marketing strategy and budget, as well as a plan for implementing it and how much I expect to be paid for my efforts. That this is a *huge* break goes without saying. The question is, am I up to the task?
I am totally thrilled by the concept, of course, and there is no question that this is a job I would very much enjoy doing. But I look at the current marketing scene and at all the technological developments that have taken place over the last few years and, while I know many people who work in the industry and am sure that I can catch up what I don't know, I am paralyzed at the same time by fear. Fear of failing to deliver, of making a fool of myself, of taking on the task assuming that I can learn and grow with the project as I go along only to realise further down the line that I actually have no clue what I'm doing...
And it is exactly this sort of scenario that has replayed itself over and over throughout my life: An opportunity presents itself, I jump in, thinking this is going to be magic and then bail at the first sign of a bump in the road, assuming that I'm not made of strong enough stuff.
Sometimes I wonder whether I'm so caught up in not being good enough that I have built up an idea of what it takes to do something, and that idea is far above any realistic expectation. Other times, that same something looks so damned easy that I think to myself there *must* be something I'm missing - I must be just so sadly lacking of anything like a clue that of course it would look that simple!
Which is why not having had so much as a rejection letter from that company I interviewed with back in January was such a blow: It felt like an affirmation of the thought that I am *that* poor, thickheaded sod who thought she knew something about something but whom they'd all laughed about the moment the door had closed behind me.
Wow. I didn't think that telling you all of that would leave me feeling so relieved!
Naturally, I'm going to have to ignore these voices in my head and go for it, unless I want to go back to being someone's admin bitch and having the soul sucked out of me while I work in a job that offers no prospects for any kind of expansion or promotion, ever. So if you're even vaguely connected to me on twitter or facebook and you're in any way involved in the media/marketing/PR field, you just might hear from me soon... :-/
Anyway, I can't spend forever wallowing in my infinite uselessness - I have a proposal to put together. Wish me luck!