That's how many negative pregnancy tests I had before what appeared to be persistent pregnancy symptoms eventually made me call and schedule an appointment with my doctor.
I've mentioned this before, I know.
Four is also the number of beautiful and healthy babies I've been lucky enough to birth and love and who have turned my life into something that is nothing like what I had planned before that first unplanned pregnancy happened almost 9 years ago, but which I wouldn't trade for all the world...
So it doesn't make sense to me that having the doctor tell me this afternoon that I'm not pregnant took me by surprise and I find myself grieving over a baby I wasn't even going to have. And yet, here I sit, tapping away at my keyboard while the screen blurs in front of my streaming eyes while my husband washes the dishes and the kids have their bath.
I know, rationally, that I'm being super unreasonable. I know that I have so very much to be happy about. I know that I'm supposed to not have wanted another baby. Apparently none of that matters, because I simply cannot stop myself from feeling a deep sense of loss and longing. For what was never more than an imagined baby. What's up with that?
7 comments:
It's natural to feel like this because you bonded with the "baby" already. Hugs
I can't comment.
I get it, and send huge hugs and love
I know this feeling! (Hugs) and love
i sort of know how you feel... our first pregnancy test was negative... even though we hadn't planned another child so soon, both richard and i were SO disappointed because we were convinced it would be positive and had already dealt with the shock/terror of an unplanned pregnancy and started getting excited about a new addition
been there as well. it's weird, isn't it? like wanting and not-wanting something at the same time, and then being crushed when you don't get it.
just shush. don't tell anyone i said that.
xx
I know that feeling well.
(hugs) be kind to yourself, the maternal instinct kicks in hard when we even just suspect a tiny bit, the sense of loss is normal.
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